An Original Screenplay By: Gerard Craig
Copyright © 2002.
FADE IN: INTERIOR. COFFEE SHOP - DAY GEORGE, ELAINE, and JERRY are having lunch. George, un- employed, is looking at the help wanted ads. Elaine is also checking the classifieds, looking for dogs. Jerry is looking at George’s resume. No one is talking for several moments. George then looks up from the paper and breaks the silence. GEORGE Why do men have nipples? JERRY Now that is an outstanding question. I’ve never thought about that. Why do they? ELAINE George, what makes you think of such sick, pointless things? GEORGE Just a talent, I guess. But think about it. There is no biological reason for men to have nipples. I mean, it’s obvious why women have them, but what purpose do they serve for men? ELAINE Well, it’s like the appendix. It serves no purpose, and it’s there. JERRY Yes, but it once did have a function. |
GEORGE 2 Wait. Maybe we all started out as women. And man evolved until he no longer needed breasts, but the nipples remained. ELAINE Then how would there have been babies, you idiot? JERRY Well, it could have been that the seed came from another source. GEORGE Yeah. Like some kind of pollen or something. ELAINE OK. Brilliant. THe earth was once populated by asexual women who got pregnant from some seed floating in the air. (sips her her coffee) Hmmm. No men. Actually, that sounds a bit like some kind of paradise. JERRY So how’s the job market looking, Biff? GEORGE Please, please, do not call me Biff at a time like this. I’m so desper- ate to get out of my parents’ house, I’m almost willing to do anything. I talked to my aunt this morning. She told me she’s praying for me. That is the single most depressing thing that anyone can say to another human being. They’re saying you’re so hopeless, the only thing that can save you is divine intervention. JERRY She might have a point. GEORGE Thanks! Thanks a lot! JERRY (to Elaine) You looking for a job too? |
ELAINE 3 No, I’m looking for dogs. JERRY Dogs? There’s a new twist. ELAINE Well, you know, something to come home to. My plants always die. You forget to feed your fish and they die. Dogs won’t let you forget about them, they’re always happy to see you, you know. JERRY Hey George, it says on your resume that you resigned from the Yankees two weeks ago. GEORGE It’s a resume. You’re supposed to lie on a resume. ELAINE (to Jerry) So you still seeing Alicia? JERRY Yeah. ELAINE So how’s it goin’? JERRY Great. Y’know...in most ways. ELAINE You mean in one way. JERRY No, more than one. All right, sue me. I’m dating a gorgeous model who happens to be, umm, a little personality-challenged. ELAINE She’s a bitch. JERRY She’s not overly pleasant. Is that a crime? GEORGE She’s a bitch, Jerry. |
ELAINE 4 Hey, George, ever think of becom- ing a teacher? There’s a lot of ads for substitutes. GEORGE Oh, sure, me a teacher. I just love kids. Can you carry a gun? What could I teach kids? How to be a loser? I can’t believe this. I’m forty-two years old. I’m back living with my parents. No job prospects. No roman- tic prospects. Every morning I look in the mirror and see a life sentence of loneliness and poverty staring back at me. ELAINE George, look, they’re looking for subs in Greenwich, Connecticut. GEORGE (excited, flips pages) Greenwich? And look, the pay is like, enough to eat on. I’ve got to do something. KRAMER approaches the group at the booth. He is carrying a bag. He sits down at the booth. JERRY Hey Kramer, why do men have nipples? KRAMER Now there’s a ridiculous question. They’re an erogenous zone. They’re there for the pleasure of the man. And the woman. JERRY Works for me. GEORGE Yeah, I’ll go with that. Elaine? ELAINE Yeah sure, whatever. KRAMER Hey, Georgie, how’s the diet coming? |
GEORGE 5 Good, I think. KRAMER Stay with me on it, George. You won’t go wrong. JERRY What’s in the bag, Cosmo? KRAMER Oh, I just picked up this badminton set. End of season clearance. Eight dollars. I thought the four of us could get in a few games in the park before the weather turns. JERRY Oh, sure. ELAINE Yeah, that sounds fun. George gets up to leave, holding shopping bags. GEORGE Count me in. Gotta run. JERRY (holding up check) Not so fast, Socrates. GEORGE I’m a little short, Jerry. I owe you. As soon as I start making some money. ELAINE What’s in the bags? GEORGE Christmas presents. JERRY Christmas was ten months ago. Jerry grabs the bag and looks inside. JERRY You’ve worn these things. GEORGE Always save receipts and tags, my friend. |
ELAINE 6 That’s repulsive. GEORGE They’ve been laundered, if it makes you feel any better. A man has to eat. Good day, people. JERRY We’ll be praying for you, Biff. INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY George is talking to MR. LOCKWOOD, the personnel director. GEORGE Yes, it’s always been in the back of my mind to be a teacher. But I wanted to work in the real world first, so I could bring that perspective into the classroom. I think that will make me a better teacher. LOCKWOOD (looking at resume) Yes, I see you worked for the Yankees. GEORGE Yes, I worked for Mr. Steinbrenner. He was devastated, of course, when I left, but he understood that I had to pursue my calling. You see, I love children, and I feel that I have some- thing to pass on to them. I want to give something back. LOCKWOOD What area are you certified in, Mr. Costanza? GEORGE Well, I’m not certified yet, sir, although I plan to enroll in night school immediately. I’m just dying to start working with the children. LOCKWOOD Well, if they can learn your enthus- iasm and positive attitude, with that alone, you’ll certainly be giving something back. |
GEORGE 7 Yes, sir. I’m so anxious to get started. When can you have me in the classroom? LOCKWOOD We have several buildings in need of good substitutes. I’m thinking of a building that houses a primary and secondary program. We’re in a fair amount of need right now. Would you by some chance be available tomorrow? GEORGE Of course, Mr. Lockwood. I’m avail- able today. MR. LOCKWOOD That’s just great. What an attitude. Do you have any questions? GEORGE Just one sir. What day is pay day? Not that it’s at all important, sir. It’s just that I’m a detail man. LOCKWOOD Of course. It’s Friday. GEORGE Is that every Friday, or every other? LOCKWOOD Every other. GEORGE Details, sir, details. Mr. Lockwood stands up and extends his hand and they shake. LOCKWOOD You can expect a call from me tonight or in the morning with your assignment. GEORGE Very good, sir. Very good. INT. KITCHEN OF COSTANZA HOME - NIGHT George is having dinner with his parents, FRANK, and ESTELLE, later that evening. |
FRANK 8 George, I just can’t take this any longer. It was bad enough when you were thirty-six. I can’t have my forty-two year-old son living in my home. ESTELLE Frank, now stop it. You’re just destroying what little self-confid- ence he has left. Frank gets up from the table abruptly. FRANK That’s it! I will no longer be spoken to this way in my house! I’ve had enough! The two of you stay here! I’m going to my bro- ther’s. This is all your fault anyway. If you hadn’t treated him like a girl half his life. ESTELLE You’re the one that wanted to get him a doll for Christmas. FRANK The doll was your idea! ESTELLE And then that stupid Festivas! That’s what really ruined him. FRANK Festivas never would have happened if you didn’t want him to have the doll! I tried to make a man of him with Festivas! GEORGE is unable to bear what he is hearing and buries his head in his hands. ESTELLE Make a man of him? Is that why you wore a bra? And then you wanted him to wear one in the seventh grade. No wonder he can’t get a job. |
GEORGE 9 All right! All right! I got a job today. FRANK As what? A cab driver? GEORGE No, as a teacher. ESTELLE A teacher. Oh, Georgie, I knew our prayers would be answered some day. FRANK My son a teacher. I can die in peace. That’s fantastic, George. Did you find an apartment yet? GEORGE There’s a slight catch. FRANK Who cares what the catch is? You’re a teacher, right? GEORGE Well, uh, yes. Yes I am. ESTELLE Where are you teaching, Georgie? GEORGE In Connecticut. Greenwich. FRANK Greenwich, Connecticut. So that’s the catch. You can use the car until you can buy one. Did you find an apartment yet? GEORGE Not yet. I’m looking. I just got the job today. I might just buy a place in Connecticut some day. This could be the start of a whole new life for me. FRANK I want you out of this house in thirty days. |
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY 10 George is chasing four or five fourth graders who are playing keep-away with an eraser as the rest of the class cheers and laughs. It is very LOUD. GEORGE Come here you little monster! George closes in on one of the students, who has just caught the eraser. He grabs him by the neck as the door opens. George’s grasp goes from a choke to a hug as another teacher, ELIZABETH TOWNSEND enters the room. She is an extremely attractive, slim, thirty-nine-year-old woman of intelligence, sophistication, and understated beauty. George is dumb-struck at the sight of her. GEORGE Hi, just a little creative energy- release game we play for a few minutes. ELIZABETH Oh, I’m sorry. It was so loud, I thought there might have been a problem. GEORGE Problem? Oh, there’s no problem. Everything’s under control here. George, er, Mr. Costanza. George extends his hand and they shake. ELIZABETH Miss Townsend. GEORGE Miss Townsend. Miss Townsend. Yes. Pleasure meeting you. ELIZABETH Yes, likewise. They exchange a flirtatious look as she exits the room. As the door closes, George grabs the kid with the eraser and hustles him into his seat. |
INT. FACULTY LOUNGE - DAY 11 Elizabeth is fixing a cup of coffee. George enters the room and walks toward the coffee station. Elizabeth turns around and greets George with an inviting smile and a big, friendly greeting. ELIZABETH Hiiii!. Mr. Costanza, right? GEORGE Oh, George, please. And you are? ELIZABETH Elizabeth. GEORGE Sweet name. Very lovely name. I always said if I ever had a daughter, that name would be my first choice. ELIZABETH Oh, that’s nice. Do you have any kids? GEORGE No, not as of yet. But I love children. That’s why I finally decided to become a teacher. George begins fixing a cup of coffee. ELIZABETH Oh, really? What did you do before? GEORGE I worked for the Yankees. PR director, officially, although I was consulted on a lot of other issues by Mr. Steinbrenner. Player movement, things of that sort. They sit down at a table. ELIZABETH Wow. And you gave it all up to become a teacher? |
GEORGE 12 Yes, I just woke up one morning and decided that I had to something more meaningful, that I had to give some- thing back. Then it hit me, that deep down I always wanted to be a teacher. It just seemed like the time was right. I gave my notice, came down here to start subbing and signed up for classes for the spring semester. ELIZABETH Oh, that’s so noble, so rare to see these days. GEORGE Perhaps. ELIZABETH So are you planning to have children? GEORGE Oh, I’d love to have kids, but I think it might be nice if I a date first. Ha, ha. I mean, we should have a date first. A little joke. ELIZABETH Oh, I’d love to. I can’t imagine someone hasn’t grabbed you up by now. I’m sure you’d make such an excellent father. GEORGE There have been many attempts, but I guess I’ve been choosy. So do you plan to have kids? ELIZABETH Yes, but I think we should be married first. Ha, ha. A little joke. But yes, I’d like to if I met the right person before it’s too late. GEORGE Let’s say we start with that date? ELIZABETH Oh, yes, let’s. GEORGE What do you teach, anyway? ELIZABETH English. |
GEORGE 13 I knew it. The theater it is then. Death of a Salesman? ELIZABETH My favorite. How did you know? I always related so much to Biff’s struggles. GEORGE Yes. Such a pathetic figure. On the one hand, it’s hard for me to imagine being in his position, but I do have great sympathy for the character. A BELL RINGS indicating a change of classes. George gets up from the table to head to class. GEORGE Duty calls. Tomorrow night? ELIZABETH Perfect. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine opens the refrigerator and takes out something to drink. ELAINE So how’s George’s teaching career going? JERRY He’s on his way over with a report. George enters. JERRY Professor. GEORGE paces without saying anything, a very self-satisfied expression on his face, as Jerry and Elaine look on, waiting for him to speak. KRAMER bursts through the door, about to speak, then stops himself with a befuddled look on his face. Kramer can’t tolerate it any longer. |
KRAMER 14 What? What’s, what’s going on? What happened? How come no one told me? What is it? GEORGE My friends, remember this day. For it may well be that the George Cos- tanza that you knew and loved has ceased to exist-- JERRY (to Elaine) Dinner? ELAINE Lobster? JERRY Champagne? GEORGE Behold: the New George. JERRY I guess the teaching went well. GEORGE No, the teaching sucked. I met the most incredible woman. ELAINE The new George. We’ve never heard this one before. GEORGE Yes. But this time it’s different. She’s...ravishing...intelligent... sophisticated-- JERRY Pretentious? GEORGE Yes. Pretentious. But in an unpretentious way. ELAINE What the hell does she see in you? |
GEORGE 15 Ahh. She doesn’t know me. And she’s not going to know me. That is, the old me. She will only know the new George, (looks at watch) starting in twenty minutes on our first date. KRAMER This thing’s over already, George. Re-invention never works over the long haul. Haven’t you learned that by now? If this woman really is the one, be yourself from the get-go. JERRY If he does that, there won’t be a second date. GEORGE He’s right, Kramer. The old George wouldn’t last ten minutes with this woman. ELAINE But George, you’re whole life is lies and deceit. Pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re always found out. This won’t be any different. GEORGE But this time I really have incentive. I never felt this committed to deceit before. That’s why it hasn’t worked in the past, because I have never been totally committed. This woman has captivated me like no one I’ve ever met in my life. She’s an English teacher. We’re going to see Death of A Salesman. George heads for the door. JERRY Well you shouldn’t have any trouble faking it through this night, Biff. GEORGE I told you, enough with the Biff! ELAINE See ya’, Biff. |
KRAMER 16 Later, Bifferino. EXTERIOR. OUTSIDE THEATER - NIGHT George and Elizabeth are walking out of the theater. Eliza- beth is sobbing. George puts his arm around her and feigns tears. GEORGE Sweetheart, could I have a tissue, please? She starts to cry more profusely GEORGE There, there. It’s all right. ELIZABETH It’s, it’s just the way you called me sweetheart. No one’s ever called me that before. GEORGE You know, come to think of it, I’ve never called anyone that before. She stops, gives him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. GEORGE Are you hungry? ELIZABETH Umm, a little, but I’m not sure what for. GEORGE How about if we go for a drink until you decide? GEORGE SEES a horse and buggy. GEORGE Hey, let’s take the horse and buggy. GEORGE AND ELIZABETH in buggy. |
GEORGE 17 Elizabeth, sweetheart, I know that this is only our first date and this is not normally the way one goes about such things, but I must tell you that there is a feeling in my heart right now that has never been there before. Elizabeth starts to cry. ELIZABETH Oh, George, I’m feeling the same thing. GEORGE Those jokes about marriage sud- denly don’t seem so funny. ELIZABETH (sniffling) Maybe because I’ve been an English teacher for seventeen years, maybe that’s why I’ve wanted to feel a passion of literary proportions-- the way I feel right now. Oh George, I just know that this is what I’ve waited my whole life for. I know I can’t be wrong. I feel so comfortable being totally honest about my feelings. GEORGE Oh, sweetheart. She sobs again. GEORGE Sweetheart, will you marry me? ELIZABETH Oh, George, yes! Yes, yes, yes! She kisses and embraces George, crying more. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT George and Elizabeth are sipping wine. It is a calmer moment. ELIZABETH George, honey, since we both feel so strongly, that this is meant to be, I don’t see a need for a long engagement, do you? |
GEORGE 18 No. Absolutely not. ELIZABETH Good. Because there’s something I want to say about starting a family. GEORGE Starting a family? ELIZABETH Yes, you did say you wanted children, right? GEORGE Yes, of course. Of course. This is all happening so fast. ELIZABETH George, I want to start a family as soon as possible. As I said, the clock is ticking. Now, I have something to say about it. Can you just listen until I’m finished before you say anything? GEORGE I’m listening. ELIZABETH I’ve thought about how this would work if this day ever came, and as soon as I met you, well. You see, my job is very fulfilling to me. GEORGE Uh huh. ELIZABETH And I’m not sure I’m ready to give it up when I have children. I make a very good salary, not that it matters with the money that’s in my family. GEORGE tries to keep his eyes from lighting up too much. ELIZABETH Now I know this a lot to ask with the passion you have to get your teaching career started. |
GEORGE 19 Yes. ELIZABETH George, I just want you to give this some thought. Don’t answer right away. GEORGE Okay. ELIZABETH George, would you consider staying home with the children until they start school? GEORGE My God. ELIZABETH Don’t answer. Just think about it. GEORGE To not work. My work has been my life. ELIZABETH I understand. But in five or six years, you could go back to work. Maybe by then, I’ll be ready to leave. For that matter, neither one of us would really ever have to work again. GEORGE is in a state of astonishment. GEORGE Never work again? How much money does your family have? Not that it matters to me. ELIZABETH I know it doesn’t matter to you. It’s enough, believe me. My father owns the Townsend Shoe Company. It’s worth millions. He’s about to accept an offer from Lands’ End, so he can divide the money now, without estate taxes. |
GEORGE 20 is in a state of shock. ELIZABETH George, honey, I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you at least consider it? For me? For us? GEORGE in a fog, does not respond. ELIZABETH George. George! GEORGE Yes. Yes, I’ll consider it. Never work again. ELIZABETH You can work again. I know how important that is to you. It’s just that you wouldn’t have to. You could go back to teaching. We could open a bed and breakfast. We could do anything. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay? GEORGE Tomorrow. Sure. Tomorrow. ELIZABETH (looks at watch) My God, it’s gotten late. You know, I could go for a nice bowl of soup. That would really hit the spot right about now. George calls for a waiter. GEORGE Yes, what’s your soup of the day? WAITER I’m sorry, sir. We’re out of soup. ELIZABETH Damn, that would have been so perfect. |
GEORGE 21 Don’t worry sweetheart. You want soup? We’ll get you soup. Have you ever been to the Soup Nazi? ELIZABETH The Soup Nazi? No, what’s that? GEORGE Just the best soup in the city, probably the world. And it’s right around the corner. Let’s go. Waiter. George hands the waiter a credit card. INT. SOUP NAZI - NIGHT George and Elizabeth are in line. George explains the rules. GEORGE You see, you have to follow the rules or you don’t get any soup. So we call him the Soup Nazi. Now, you have to know what you want. You can’t hesi- tate, or change your mind, or ask any questions. You just tell him what you want. ELIZABETH Okay, what are you having, honey? GEORGE I’m going to have some chili. ELIZABETH Chili? Is that soup? GEORGE Sure it’s soup. The Soup Nazi sells it, so it must be soup. ELIZABETH I’ve never had chili. GEORGE You’ve never had chili? You have to have it today. This is the best chili in history. ELIZABETH Okay, I’ll be daring. In honor of our new life together. |
SOUP NAZI 22 Yes. GEORGE Two chili. SOUP NAZI Two chili. Next. EXT. OUTSIDE SOUP NAZI - NIGHT George and Elizabeth are sitting at a table eating the chili. ELIZABETH Oh my God! This is fantastic! I can’t wait to come back here. GEORGE See, I told you. I knew you’d love it. It’s impossible not to love this chili. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY George, Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine are at a booth. George is ecstatically telling them about the “arrangement”. GEORGE Can you believe this? I’m going to be a house husband. Her father’s rich. I never have to work again. Is this a new George or what? KRAMER Sweet gig. JERRY You’re certainly ready for retirement after the grueling career you’ve had. Elaine is laughing. GEORGE What’s so funny? ELAINE I’m just picturing you as a house husband. GEORGE Don’t underestimate my ability to adapt. To retire at forty-two into a life of luxury, I can raise a child for a few years. |
JERRY 23 A few years? GEORGE Sure, in three years it’s pre-school. Age five, kindergarten, and it’s over. ELAINE How do you know she only wants one child? GEORGE Let’s just say I’m pretty sure there’ll be only one child. ELAINE How can you be so sure? GEORGE Modern medicine can give you pretty good assurance. Kramer winces. KRAMER Oooh! I gotcha’ buddy. JERRY A vasectomy. ELAINE You are so sick. JERRY Him raising one child is scary enough for me. It might be the humanitarian thing to do. ELAINE You’ve got a point. A real good point. KRAMER Hey George, how’s the diet? JERRY What diet? GEORGE He’s got me on a high-fiber diet. JERRY Oh, the hemorrhoids. |
GEORGE 24 Yeah, I had the Soup Nazi’s chili with Elizabeth last night. Had a pretty good, uh, movement this morning. It’s a lot of work, though. I’m still thinking of just having the procedure done. KRAMER Oh, you don’t want to do that. I told you what happened to Bob Saccamano. ELAINE So you took the love of your life to the Soup Nazi for chili on your first date? GEORGE Well, she had a craving for soup, and the place we were at was out, so I suggested the Soup Nazi. I had the chili and she decided to try it. She loved it. First time she ever had it. Can you believe that? ELAINE Well, she’s from Connecticut, probably an Episcopalian. They don't eat the way normal people do. GEORGE They don’t? KRAMER Oh, they’re a different breed, George. They’ll find you out. The new George has no chance. GEORGE The new George will prevail. He must. His very life is at stake. ELAINE Whatever. So where did--what’s her name? GEORGE Elizabeth. ELAINE Where did Elizabeth’s daddy get all his money? |
GEORGE 25 He’s the majority shareholder of the Townsend Shoe Company. Elaine becomes very excited and animated. ELAINE (pushing George) Get out!! Elizabeth Townsend? Whose father owns Townsend Shoes? GEORGE Yes, I guess that would be her. Elaine pushes George again, harder, and he falls out of the booth to the floor. ELAINE Get out!!! Do you know how much money she has? GEORGE I heard it’s enough, but give me details, please. ELAINE Oh, it’s enough, all right. George, we were roommates my first year in college. Then she transferred. I can’t believe this. I always wondered what happened to her. I’ve got to call her. George picks himself up off the floor. GEORGE Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!! The world’s cannot collide. You’ll give me away! She’ll find out about the old George! ELAINE (impish smile) Well, you can’t stop me from calling her. GEORGE Elaine, please make me a promise. Please, I beg of you, please do not tell her the truth about me. She’ll be devastated. Do you want to do that to her? |
ELAINE 26 Oh, George, don’t worry. I’ll play along. She’ll come to know the real you in time. This is going to be fun to watch. GEORGE That’s the old George--put the old George out of your mind-- he’s dead and buried. Think “New George”, devoted husband father. KRAMER Oh no, she’s right, George. It won’t work. At your age, you should be looking for a soul mate, not an inheritance. JERRY If he marries his soul mate, they’ll never eat. KRAMER True. ELAINE I’ll give you some advice, Biff. When it comes to sex, you better be the new George. Because this is a woman of class...even repressed class. You’ve got to be a gentleman and wine and dine this woman before you even think about it. So this can’t last. But I’m going to tell you again anyway, as a friend: slow, Georgie boy, slow. INT. ELAINE’S APARTMENT - DAY Elaine is calling Elizabeth. ELAINE Hello, Elizabeth? It’s Elaine, Elaine Benes. Remember me? INTERCUT - ELAINE AND ELIZABETH INT. ELIZABETH’S HOUSE - DAY |
ELIZABETH 27 Elaine! How are you? It’s been so many years, it’s hard to believe. (excited) Yes, George told me. ELAINE He told you? ELIZABETH Yes, my God, we’ve got so much to talk about. How about lunch? Tomorrow? Sure, tomorrow’s great. Oh, yeah, I know where that is. Okay, see you at one. INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Elaine and Elizabeth are laughing over wine and lunch. ELIZABETH You know, it’s funny. I look back on that one year we were roommates as one of the best, most care-free years I’ve ever had. ELAINE Yeah, we had a lot of fun together. ELIZABETH It’s strange how life works out. Just when I’m ready to put marriage and kids out of my mind forever, this Prince Charming just walks into my life out of nowhere. And I’m reunited with my long-lost college roommate in the package. ELAINE Yeah, life’s weird all right. ELIZABETH So you’ve known George for how long? ELAINE Oh, years. We’ve all just kind of hung out together. |
ELIZABETH 28 I just feel so blessed, Elaine, I can’t tell you. ELAINE Oh, yes, I know. George is, well, a very uncommon man. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY George frantically storms through the door of the apartment. GEORGE Jerry, where’s the paper? I gotta use the bathroom. With this diet, when you gotta go, you just have to go. JERRY Uh, the paper’s on the desk. George races to the desk and rifles through the papers. GEORGE Where’s the sports? JERRY It’s there. Jerry walks to the desk to help George find the sports. GEORGE It’s not here. JERRY I don’t know. GEORGE I need the sports. I’ve developed this habit lately of crapping with the sports--it’s become an obsession. Damn it! Where the hell is it? I gotta go! Gimme the front page. If you find the sports, bring it to me. JERRY Yeah, sure I will. George rips the section from Jerry’s hands and races into the bathroom. BATHROOM DOOR George is calling out to Jerry from the bathroom. |
GEORGE 29 Jerry! JERRY I can’t find it! GEORGE Where the hell is the toilet paper? JERRY It’s in the dispenser! GEORGE No, it isn’t! JERRY Yes it is! GEORGE It’s not here! JERRY I just put a new roll in. GEORGE Damn it! LATER George re-enters the living room, a disgusted look on his face. He hands the section of newspaper to Jerry. The first few pages are torn. Jerry sees this and is aghast. JERRY You didn’t? GEORGE What was I supposed to do? JERRY I swear I just put a new roll in this morning. Kramer enters, holding the toilet paper and sports section. KRAMER Jerry, you gotta start using some softer toilet paper or you’re gonna wind up like this guy. Hey, the Knicks won again last night. Kramer hands the paper and toilet paper to Jerry and leaves abruptly. |
JERRY 30 What are you doing now? I’m meet- ing Alicia at the coffee shop. You wanna join us? GEORGE Uh, yeah, sure. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY JERRY (to waitress) Uh, I’ll have the turkey sandwich. GEORGE I’ll have a bran muffin and the black bean soup. JERRY Stickin’ with the diet, huh? GEORGE Well, I think it’s starting to work. Anything I can do to avoid the proctologist. JERRY I’m with you there. GEORGE So when’s the last time you had sex with Elaine? JERRY Oh, years. I don’t even think I could anymore. GEORGE What do you mean, you don’t think you could? JERRY At this point, we’ve been friends for so long, we’re like brother and sister, and even if I wanted to-- GEORGE Oh, I get it. ALICIA a stunning tall blonde with a fabulous body, walks up to Jerry and gives him a big kiss on the cheek and a small hug. |
JERRY 31 Hi. ALICIA Hi. I’ll be right back. I have to use the ladies room. Alicia walks away. JERRY See, now just from that, it moved GEORGE Really? JERRY Yeah. Sometimes I just look at her, and there’s a little expansion. I can’t help it. I love that in a woman. GEORGE Who doesn’t? JERRY Of course, sometimes there’s contrac- tion after she starts talking, but nothing’s perfect. ALICIA returns to the table and sits next to Jerry ALICIA Oh, damn it! JERRY What happened? ALICIA Look! I broke a nail! Son of a bitch! Jerry rolls his eyes, exchanges a look with George. ALICIA Where’s the waitress? Didn’t she even come with my coffee yet? I’m starving. JERRY Now, now, relax. You seem a little stressed. Let’s try a few deep breaths. |
Jerry demonstrates, encouraging Alicia to join him. She 32 does. ALICIA Oh, shit, there’s a run in my stocking. JERRY Don’t speak. Talking defeats the purpose. Expand the lungs. Don’t speak. Expand. Smile. Alicia smiles and joins in the exercise, Jerry stares. JERRY Expand. Don’t Speak. Expand. Smile. Don’t speak. Expand. Don’t speak. ALICIA Now I’m going to have to go and buy some new pantyhose. She calls out to a passing waitress. ALICIA Oh, waitress, yes I would like some coffee. And yes I am ready to order. George, annoyed to distraction with Alicia, gets up to leave. GEORGE Well, I better run. I’m low on change, Jerry. We’ll even up next time. JERRY Yeah, right. What’s the rush? GEORGE I’m seeing Elizabeth tonight. JERRY But it’s only one o’clock. GEORGE I’ve got uh, errands. Tons of errands this afternoon. I’m behind already. ‘Bye. George rushes off. INT. ELIZABETH’S HOUSE - NIGHT George is pacing nervously as Elizabeth sits on the couch. |
GEORGE 33 Elizabeth, dear, you know that there are certain things that happen between a couple that are inevitable. ELIZABETH Yes. GEORGE Well, there is one thing that I did not want to rush, but this whole relationship is moving faster than most, would you agree? ELIZABETH Oh, yes, definitely. GEORGE I’ve exercised self-control be- cause I wanted to be sure that everything was perfect between us. I guess I’m old-fashioned. I guess some guys think nothing of doing it the first time they’re with a woman. I didn’t want to take the chance of offending you. The pace of George’s walking picks up. ELIZABETH Oh, George, honey, you’re so sweet. Everything is just wonderful between us. GEORGE But I’m still nervous. ELIZABETH Don’t worry, honey. You know I love you. GEORGE I just have a slight concern over whether you’ll still accept me. ELIZABETH Accept you? Don’t be ridiculous. I want you, George, now and forever. |
GEORGE 34 Certain things just can’t be re- pressed forever. I mean we’re talking about biological impulses here. I thought talking about it would be best, all things considered, but I just can’t seem to find the right words, and I can’t hold back any longer. ELIZABETH George, please, I’m ready. She leaps off the couch and throws her arms around George in a big hug, and the SOUND of an extremely LOUD and PROLONGED FART is heard. ELIZABETH is stunned by the sound and the putridity of the odor. ELIZABETH You disgusting, filthy, vile pig!! GEORGE But you said you loved me. She hits him with pillows and holds her nose. ELIZABETH You could have at least used the bathroom. GEORGE I was going to. I was trying to explain and you hugged me. ELIZABETH There’s nothing to explain. That is the most rancid, putrid, horri- fying thing I have ever smelled in my life. Get out! Get out! ELIZABETH is spraying George with a can of air freshener and pushing him toward the door, opens it and pushes him out. GEORGE Please, please. You don’t under- stand. It’ll never happen again. |
ELIZABETH 35 Not around me it won’t. I never want to see you again! She slams the door. INT. JERRY’S - NIGHT Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine are standing around the kitchen. KRAMER So how’re things with Georgie and Lizzie? JERRY Great. I’ve never seen him happier. ELAINE Happier? JERRY True. Since George has never been happy, period, the answer is “Great, I’ve never seen him happy before”. ELAINE Maybe he really is the “New George”. THE DOOR as George storms into the apartment and lunges at Kramer, attempting to put his hands around Kramer’s neck. Jerry and Elaine get between them and pull George off of Kramer. GEORGE You...have ruined my life!! KRAMER Hey, hey. Easy there, big fella. GEORGE You! And your beans! And your broccoli! And your bran, and your, your, Brussels sprouts, and your-- ELAINE George, will you calm down?! What the hell happened? KRAMER Oh, I know what happened. You let the big one fly with Lizzie, didn’t you? |
GEORGE 36 That’s right, you lunatic! George lunges again as Jerry intercepts him. ELAINE What? GEORGE He put me on a high-fiber diet for my hemorrhoids. I farted in front of Elizabeth. It’s over. It’s all over. JERRY You farted? GEORGE Yeah, I farted. JERRY At this early stage of the relationship? George gets extremely agitated again. GEORGE Yes, I farted! Everyone who’s ever walked the planet has farted. Abe Lincoln farted. The pope could be farting as we speak. ELAINE George, you don’t understand these people. These people are differ- ent from you and me. These people ...don’t fart. How bad was it? GEORGE On a scale of one to ten, about an eleven. But should that doom an entire relationship? You gotta help me. Please, talk to her. Tell her it won’t happen again. Tell her it was the diet. Tell her about the hemorrhoids. Tell her I’ll get off the diet. Tell her I’ll have them removed by a proctologist like I should have. |
ELAINE 37 Aw, quit sniveling. You’re makin’ me sick. GEORGE Will you talk to her? ELAINE All right, I’ll talk to her. But you’re gonna owe me. GEORGE (pathetically hopeful) Yes, yes, of course. Elaine, I’m going to be rich, don’t forget. Does anyone know a good proctol- ogist? KRAMER gets a frightened look on his face. KRAMER Don’t look at me. I told you what happened to Bob Saccamano. I’d stick with the diet. I told you it’d never work out with you and Lizzie. Kramer exits. JERRY I’d stick with the diet, too. George heads for the door hurriedly. JERRY Where’re you going? GEORGE I think it’s time for a little father-son chat. INT. PROCTOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY GEORGE’S FACE as he grimaces. The shot widens to show George lying on his stomach on an examination table and DR. NICK RIVERA working on George’s hemorrhoids. DR. NICK (accent) One more snip, and we’re all done. |
GEORGE AND DR. NICK 38 are talking to the doctor following the procedure. DR. NICK Okay, sometimes you will feel like you have to poop when you don’t. And it might hurt little bit for few days. Take warm bath and stool softeners. Stop reading in bathroom and come back in two weeks. Bye bye. INT. SCHOOL FACULTY LOUNGE - DAY Kramer is having coffee at a table, pen in hand, a notebook in front of him on the table. Elizabeth enters. Kramer is spellbound at the sight of her. He pretends to write in the notebook and twitches with nervousness as she fixes herself a coffee. ELIZABETH Hello. KRAMER Well, hello. And how would this fine day be treating one such as yourself? ELIZABETH Very well, thank you. And you? KRAMER Well, indeed. She is about to sit down with Kramer as he stands up and introduces himself. KRAMER Cosmo Kramer. ELIZABETH Elizabeth Townsend. Are you a substitute? They sit down. KRAMER In a manner of speaking. Actually, I’m really doing some research on the schools. For the New Yorker. |
ELIZABETH 39 Why the Greenwich schools? If this is an expose, I think you have the wrong district. Our test scores are among the best in the nation. KRAMER Oh, it’s a compare and contrast piece. Very hush hush. I probably shouldn’t have revealed myself, but you seemed to have a look I could trust. ELIZABETH (softening) So you write for the New Yorker? KRAMER I free lance. ELIZABETH Oh. KRAMER Yes, I am a man of letters. A protege of J.D. Salinger’s. ELIZABETH (impressed) Are you serious? KRAMER Oh, yes. A confidant. Of course, that can’t get around. J’s a very private man, as you know. INT. JERRY’S - DAY Jerry is finishing a phone conversation as Kramer bursts through the door. KRAMER Jerry, where’s Elaine? JERRY I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her. Why? KRAMER Did she call Elizabeth? JERRY I don’t know, Kramer. What’s wrong with you? |
KRAMER 40 I love her. JERRY Elaine? KRAMER No, Elizabeth. JERRY You never even met her. KRAMER Yes I did. Today. At the school. JERRY What? You’re a substitute teacher now, too? I can’t deal with this. KRAMER I love her Jerry. We were meant to be. She can’t get back with George. I gotta call Elaine. She’s my soul mate, not George’s. Kramer picks up the phone and dials Elaine. JERRY Kramer, how can she be your soul mate? She’s a blue-blood English teacher and you’re an unemployed, unemployable, hipster dufus. KRAMER I’m the president of Kramerica Industries. JERRY Riiiight. |
End of Act I
|
SEINFELD: The Movie About Something
for only $2.79!
|
|
Web site design by custom web site design firm WebTY's.
Copyright © 2002. All rights reserved.
Business Services |
CRM Solutions |
Home Business Services |
Sales Management
Sales Force Automation |
Business Management Solutions |
Contact Management
Paperless Office |
Document Imaging